DO NOTHING

I was recently speaking to a friend who also moved away from her home country to live elsewhere. We spoke about how living somewhere new can be unbelievably exciting and fun. How the thought of living back in our home countries can feel a bit scary. So boring! Too familiar! Then, something happens. You’re home sick one day, you realize you’re missing out on a particular celebration back home or you just miss your Mom and you think, god, I would kill to be back living in that very boring place where I know how everything works, where everything is. The allure of familiarity is so strong. 

This felt like a very manic experience (not in a pathological way) to me when I felt it for the first time. How could I love where I’m living and my life there one day and the next desperately just want to be back in my home country? I felt that these longings were so different from one another that how could I possibly swing so far in each direction? What did that mean? 

This led me to feel like I couldn’t trust myself; my feelings, my thoughts. How do I know what I want? The feeling of not trusting myself really took me by surprise. I feel like more or less, I’ve kind of always known what I’ve wanted and I’ve never had to second guess myself too much. I’ve trusted myself a lot and that little voice inside of me hasn’t really ever strayed me too far in the wrong direction. But this switch and bait type of feeling really threw me for a loop. 

So, what do I do about it? 

Nothing. 

This took me a while to figure out. But I don’t have to do anything. There’s nothing to do. There’s nothing to “figure out”. This isn’t a problem solving kind of matter. It’s simply that I love where I’m currently living and I love the community I’ve built here. At the exact same time, sometimes in the background and other times very much in the foreground, I miss my home country, I miss my family and I miss living somewhere where I’m not a foreigner. Doesn’t seem that crazy of a feeling when I write it out, does it? 

We have this idea that when there’s an inner conflict, we must take action. This or that. Must. Resolve. Tension. But what if the tension is normal? Isn’t it “normal” to feel many things at once? Our internal experience is not black & white. Instead, we have whole universes of thoughts, experiences, feelings, motives inside of us. It’s perhaps one of the most beautiful and uniquely human things about us. 

Listen, it’s not easy to Be With this tension, or these two emotional states but it can be done. The feelings are here, why not just be with them anyway? Jon Kabat Zinn suggests we should “Put out the welcome mat for all of it rather than replacing thoughts with other thoughts”. Just Being With or Being the Observer Of these feelings ends up becoming easier than trying to Fix or Fight it in the long run. 

Learning to cultivate Non-Doing & Acceptance has been really important in helping me get through these valleys where I miss my family and home so much it almost physically hurts. In the past, I’d write things out over and over, I’d talk about how homesick I was constantly, I’d ruminate and try to “figure it out”. Sometimes, I still catch myself in this behaviour and maybe writing this is basically the same thing. But I’ve learned and am still learning to just Be With It instead of Fixing It. When I’m With It, instead of fighting or figuring it out, I soften and the emotions simply turn into a human experience, instead of a problem that requires fixing. 

To give a real example, my parents just left after a great two weeks together in Barcelona. The days following their departure have left me feeling pretty low, homesick and those familiar tensions started rolling in. This time around, I’m just Being With It. I’m observing the feelings, observing those internal tensions, observing the homesickness. To help me with this, I’m also giving myself what I know I actually need, which is time with friends to remind me why it’s worth it to live in another country right now. What I wanted was to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself (I did do that for about 2 hours if we’re being honest). But after that, I put my big girl pants on and got together with two friends. Knowing what things ground you can be extremely helpful in Being With feelings instead of being swallowed up by them. I’ll write more about what you want vs. what you need in another post! 

It’s just occurred to me: what if these drastically different emotional states (being happy where I am vs. missing home very much) aren’t that drastically different after all? Really, they’re just about love. Loving a place, loving people, loving who I am in that place and with those people. What a beautiful experience, to feel love and be loved. 

As these days roll on post-visit where I am missing my family quite intensely, I’ll continue to Be With those feelings. Nothing to do, nothing to fix. I’m just going to Be.